Nights like last night make me not want to end things with him.

We're just so happy.

"I love you. I call you. I always seek you in my heart. Now that I found you, what else can I say, maybe the most painful adieu in my entire life, my beautiful, adored, consuming soul mate."

"What I feel for you seems less of earth and more of a cloudless heaven."

"At the beginning and at the end of love, the two lovers are embarrassed to find themselves alone."

"If you love someone you would be willing to give up everything for them, but if they loved you back they'd never ask you to."

"Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that they feel the same. "

"You being in my arms, heart by heart feels like our love would never end. "

"Love is much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense."

"Sometimes your nearness takes my breath away; and all the things I want to say can find no voice. Then, in silence, I can only hope my eyes will speak my heart. "

"Within you I lose myself. Without you I find myself wanting to become lost again."

Does anyone want to be my friend?...

I'll give you a cookie.

I have forgotten what it feels like to have friends. I don't even think I know how to properly interact with others anymore. I'm always so tired and exhausted, and walking around in a daze, which makes it almost impossible to be friendly. As a result of being deprived of sleep, I generally just feel down and pessimistic. And who wants to talk to someone like that? I don't even think my teachers like me anymore. I feel like everyone is put off by me. Am I just offensive to the world or something??

I guess so.

I really miss having my friends and even acquiantances from high school. As much as I disliked high school at the time, I miss the atmosphere and knowing that your friends are always around. I never really had to "try" and work at making friends, because I had known mine since middle school and 9th grade. Maybe I don't know how to attract someone want to my friend anymore, because I'm no fun to be around right now.

And to think, I'm going to be here for another full year and half. How am I going to make it? I have to get that apartment so I can finally be around more people and not be sheltered and locked away from everyone at home.

Puh. For some reason I don't know how that is going to pan out. I plan on getting a job as a server at the local Cracker Barrel, or Texas Road House in January, so I can start saving up money. My first objective is to save enough money for a car. I don't care what kind it is, it just has to run. Ideally it would be about $3,000. I saw a nice Dodge Stratus at my dad's work that was in this price range. If only I had the money now so I could get it. I mean, I can't finance it on my own, but I will pay the monthly bill.

The question remains is if I will be able to raise enough money by August to get a car. January to August will give me eight months of working. And I'll probably work about 4 days per week, making hopefully $45-50 a night. (I hope!) So, if I make 50, I'll earn $200 per week. Not too bad. Multiply that by 4 (4 weeks in a month right? Lol), and that makes $800. And $800(8) = 6,400. Whoah, is that possible? Perhaps I'm over-shooting the $50 per day. Um, let's recalculate with $40. That brings me to $5,120. Not too bad either way, I guess. Okay, worst case scenario, I'll make $30. That's still $3,840. Enough to afford some kind of car, right?

Now, let me figure in an apartment (I'm dreaming). The one I am considering is $500 per month. If I'm earning $40 per day, I should bring in $640 per month. Aw CRAP. No way my measly server salary can cover that, and me still have enough money to live! =( My dreams are crushed. Haha...not really. Well, kind of.

Even if I earn $60 per night, that's still only $960. Not enough.

I don't think I should be a server at Cracker Barrell, or Road House because I doubt that I will make $60 every night. It's not a steady enough income.

Maybe I'll try Shiloh. I think my sister made more money over there. Or at least I'm hoping so.

-Well if all else fails, I will still be able to afford a car. Even if I will be stuck living at home until I'm 21. BOO FREAKING HOO! That is the gayest thing I have ever heard, but it very well could be my future.

Or who knows, if I pray for a miracle, maybe my parents will get me a car sometime before August. Then I could just save up my money that I earn over eight months, and use that to pay for an apartment and to live off. That would be AWESOME.

Or maybe I'll just live at home. At least I'll save $5,000 that way. I just multiplied $500 by 10 months, and WOW I'm severely freaked out now. I could save that money, and just live at home. I might be the most sheltered girl alive at 21, who is under strict control of her parents, with no friends, but at least I'll have money.

Or maybe, I'll make some friends that are my age, and we would be close enough, where they would invite me to parties and clubs, and I would finally get to experience what I'm missing. Maybe. Then I would get out of the house more and not so sheltered.

So really, I guess it's up to me. I have to find friends. I have to start caring about my appearance again and make myself attractive. Funny how girls are so shallow that they only want to hang out with pretty girls. And I'll have to learn how to move from acquiantance, ie: girl you talk to in class, to girl you want to hang out with on the weekends. Is that possible to do? I don't know =(. There are two nice girls in my Economics class that I get along with, but most days I'm too out of it to really carry on a good conversation. And plus I look dead, so I give off the impression of girl-who-can't-let-loose-and- is-too-concentrated-on-school-to have-a-good-time-vibe. Awesome. Totally the kind of friend that you want to go clubbing with on the weekends.NOT.

It's up to me. Sigh.

Okay, I knew it.

Dale did/does like me.

He told me today, and apologized for lying and trying to come between me and my boyfriend.

Yeah, I thought so.

But you know, it's whatever.

I don't like him. I just admire him. There is totally a difference. I admire that he's a strong man of God and that he has ambition in life, and I know he will be a good husband to some lucky girl someday. And that's all I know.