Jessica wants to quit school.

Maybe I'll marry a G.I, and pop out a few kids. I'll work at Converge's or something.

Maybe I can join the army and just do random shit.

I'll make as much in the army as I will teaching anyhow. Why go any further?

I'm not cut out for this crap. I'm a screw-up with no time management.

In general I suck at life.

This is what I facebook emailed to Dale. He was really taking things overboard today.:

"Hey Dale, please don't think I'm trying to be mean by saying this but, I'm not sure that us texting so much is appropriate. It's partly my fault, as I should have said something earlier, but oh well. I'm being cowardly for sending it in a message, but that's how I roll, haha. Just kidding. But, seriously though, I know I told you that I wanted to end things with him, but right now I'm still with him, and am planning to be for as many months as I can before he leaves next summer. This is a hard time right now, and I know that you're just trying to help, but if he found out about us talking,  it would really hurt him, and I can't hurt him anymore than I'm already going to. I love him too much to do this to him. I feel like I'm having to hide things, and that's never good. Again, sorry if this upsets you. It's nothing against you, just it's not the right time. I hope you understand.

I just felt like I needed to say something. "

I had to tell him. This was going to far! He was being way too obvious today, saying things like, "When I get back in town, we must hang out. =)" And "I can pick you up if you don't have a ride to church. =)" NO! Please stop!

I'm never listening to my parents again. They ruined this.

They were the ones pressuring me to end things. I guess that's what I get for asking them for advice for once in my life. I thought it would be the adult thing to do, but I'm learning that the adult thing to do was to figure things out on my own.

It's only after I listen to them, that I started this whole process for myself.

Now all I feel is emptiness, and I feel numb. I feel withdrawn from the relationship, and this is not what I wanted. I wanted to cherish the months that we have together until I came to a place where I was ready to end things. That time would have been way different from now. It would have been like six months from now. Not two months from now. I feel like I'm already on the road, and I'm rolling, and I can't stop. I need to, and I want to, but I have this aching in my stomach. I love him, but today I only felt half-there. Maybe it's all in my mind.

All because my mind was made up by people other than myself.

Can I reverse the process?

Is it too late?

Can I get back that safe, comforting feeling again?

I'm never asking anyone for advice again, except God. I need to make my own decisions and not be swayed by others. Shouldn't I have learned this lesson in middle school?? I guess not.

I need to get back. I'm stopping contact with Dale, and I'm stopping thinking about the negative aspects of our relationship, and the sour outcome, and think of the positive things. I'm taking this out of my mind. This is not going to ruin me any longer. I'm throwing this away, and am going to pull it out on MY time, not anyone elses!